


Ascending The Throne

by GallifreyanOmnishambles



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Crack, Dark Comedy, M/M, Out of Character, Rating for Language, shoggoths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-18 01:23:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5892703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyanOmnishambles/pseuds/GallifreyanOmnishambles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The coup doesn't go entirely as they had planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ascending The Throne

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lady_Darkside](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Darkside/gifts).



“Are you sure this is a good idea, Ren?” Hux hissed as they crept along the shadowy corridor.

“No.” Kylo hissed back. “Now shut the fuck up before I gag you.”

They tiptoed through the seemingly endless hallway for another hour. Every surface was perfectly featureless, as if they had been rubbed smooth by the passage of thousands of giant snakes. Hux had read about soggoths during his academy days. He really wished he hadn't. If any mad ruler was going to use something as dangerous as soggoths for security, it would be Snoke.

 _There's nothing alive in this building, except for Snoke._ Ren's voice echoed in the General's mind.

 _But what if they're in the caves beneath the citadel,_ he thought in reply.

_What caves?_

_There are always caves._ Hux nodded to himself. There was always somewhere that a horrible monster could be hiding.

 _SHUT UP HUX._ Ren turned to stare at him, raising his unlit lightsaber threateningly.

_I didn't say anything!_

_Then stop thinking so loud. This planet is dead, there's nothing here, anywhere._ Ren gestured ahead of them. _Look,_ w _e're almost there._

Hux looked around. How could he tell? The space never seemed to change. Just the same smooth grey walls and thick dust on the floors. There were more small animal tracks in the dust here, he supposed, perhaps they were drawn to Snoke's presence.

After a few more minutes of monotony, Hux felt a breeze drift through his hair. Kylo stopped him with a hand to the chest, and gestured for him to unholster his blaster. They stood for a moment, breathing deeply as they checked their weapons. The Knight counted them down from three on his fingers, and at his signal the pair burst into the throne room.

The chamber was mindbendingly vast. It must have been built millennia ago, by beings of unimaginable size. Brilliant shafts of light pierced the space, illuminating clouds of dust-motes, but failing to give any clear view of the room. The glow from Ren's saber did nothing against the shadows.

The throne itself was empty. The entire room was empty as far as Hux could tell. Snoke wasn't here. Kylo was turning round on the spot in confusion, one hand raised as he tried to manipulate the Force. He'd felt him. He was sure. He'd stood just outside this room so many times during his training, as Snoke addressed him from his sanctuary. This time had felt exactly the same. And yet, there was no Snoke.

Hux wandered towards the throne, blaster dangling loose in his hand. Whilst Kylo was busy using magic to look for their target, he was going to do something useful and climb this ridiculous chair. Perhaps the view would be clearer from up there. Besides, he'd wanted to sit in this throne ever since he'd first seen it in a holo message. Of course he'd be tiny in comparison to the huge piece of furniture, but still, wouldn't it just be the best feeling to take Snoke's place on the throne. And then watch Kylo put his lightsaber through the old bastard so they could take Snoke's place in the galaxy.

There were bands of tiny horizonal grooves running up the front of the throne, just deep enough for Hux to get a decent grip without his gloves. This would be easy.

Shoving his blaster into the back of his belt, Hux easily swarmed up the fifteen feet to the seat of the throne. As he pushed himself over the lip, he flipped himself around so he was looking down into the chamber itself. There was a squeak followed by a wet crunching noise as he settled himself on the seat.

“Urgh! What have I sat in?!” He cried, reaching back to touch the wet patch on the stone. Something green and viscous coated his fingers. Green, viscous and warm.

Hux lifted his arse and twisted around to see what was under him.

Oh no.

“REEEEEN!!!!!”

Kylo spun around, unsure where the General had gone.

“REN GET THE FUCK UP HERE!!!!”

“Why are you on the fucking throne?!” Kylo hissed. “We agreed we'd do that together.” The Knight sounded hurt.

“I'll make it up to you later, just GET UP HERE!!!”

“Shhuuuush!” Kylo hissed as he climbed the stone.

“I really don't think we need to worry about Snoke hearing us anymore.” Hux said, with a slightly hysterical edge to his voice.

“What are you talking ab...” Ren trailed off as he reached Hux' side and looked down at the mess smeared across the seat of the throne and the seat of the General's trousers.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Is that... It is isn't?” Ren started to laugh. “Pfassk, Hux, you've fucking squished the Supreme Leader. Here I am, finally ready to face the monstrous being that's tormented me since I was two years old. And you go and fucking SIT ON HIM.” Kylo collapsed forward onto the throne and gave into a laughing fit so powerful it left unable to speak for several minutes, shoulders shaking as tears poured down his face.

Hux just tried to scrap the horrible green fluid off his fingers on the edge of the throne.

Finally Ren sat up.

“These trousers are ruined, you know,” Hux observed. Ren punched him in the arm as another giggling fit took hold.

“All this... everything. Pain. Suffering. War. Death. Over this.” Hux prodded the tiny figure. “What the fuck do we do now?”

“What we always intended.” Ren said, coughing against the soreness of his throat. He wasn't sure he'd ever laughed so hard. “Tell High Command he's dead. Tell them he nominated us as his replacements. Bring peace to the galaxy.”

“But we'd planned to bring them his body,” Hux pointed out, “They're not exactly going to believe that he's dead without a corpse. And there is no way in hell that I'm telling the First Order that we've been taking instructions from a fucking pixie for all these years.”

“Then we tell them that he became one with the Force.” Ren said. “There's footage of Obi Wan Kenobi doing it. When Vader killed him. They basically just vanish.”

“I suppose we could take a picture of the un-squished half of him, really close up, so he looks normal size,” Hux pondered, “That way we have physical proof. Then we say his body evaporated and became one with the Force afterwards.”

“That would work.”

Photographs obtained, Hux emptied his cigarettes into his breast pocket and scrapped the remains of the Emperor into the empty packet.

“You're not keeping that are you?” Asked Ren, looking slightly nauseous.

“Yep.”

“That's disgusting.”

“Says the man who keeps his grandfather's BBQ'd head in his bedroom.” Hux retorted. “At least I'm only going to keep this in my desk.”

“Fine.”

“Want to sit on the throne properly this time?” Hux asked, grinning at Kylo.

“Sure.”

They settled at the back of the seat, legs stretched out before them. Hux lit a cigarette. Ren slung an arm over Hux' shoulder.

“This is hardly an imperial pose.” Hux said with a laugh. It turned into a giggle when Kylo pressed a kiss to his ear.

“We're the emperors now my love,” he murmured. “Whatever we do is imperial by definition.”

They stared out over the vast throne room.

“Do you want to contact High Command or should I?” Hux asked after a while.

“There's something we should sort out first.” Ren said, chewing his lip.

Hux raised an eyebrow. “Like what?"

"Well you're going to have to change your name.” Ren said with a grin. “Emperor Kylo has quite a ring to it. But no one will be able to take Emperor Jimothy seriously.”

“You absolute arsehole!” Hux elbowed him in the ribs. “There is nothing wrong with my name. Besides, I'd just have them call me Emperor Hux.”

“Oh no,” Kylo drawled, “that simply won't work. Because then we'd both be Emperor Hux, and how will anyone ever be able to tell us apart?”

"What the fuck are you talking about, you lunatic?” Hux exclaimed, turning towards the Knight.

His eyes were drawn to Ren's outstretched hand. There was a ring resting in his palm.

“You smooth motherfucker.”

“Well?” Ren asked, a brilliant grin lighting up his scarred face.

“What do you think?!” Hux gave him a grumpy kiss. “Yes. Obviously.”


End file.
